Monday, October 20, 2008

Sex & Fear

Last week, the budding relationship between mom and me almost derailed when a certain topic came up in our phone conversation: sex...and whether my younger brother was having it.

[sidenote: ew?]

Anyway, I've always accused her of being way more liberal with my brother (a boy) than she is with my sister and me (we're girls, by the way). When she approaches him about it, she showers him with condoms and words of caution (I might be exaggerating here). When she found my birth control pills last year she flipped her lid and went ballistic (definitely not exaggerating here).

Our "sex talks" (if you could even call it that) were usually something along the lines of:

Mom: If you have sex you'll get AIDS and die.
Me: Thanks...

The only contraception she ever gave me was straight up fear. Sex was always something bad, something a proper young lady shouldn't even be thinking about before marriage. It was such a taboo subject that it was never something we could talk freely about. I remember it took days before I was able to give her my permission slip for sex ed class in junior high. And we never talked about it again.

Kind of sad if you think about it. Maybe that old school mentality that prevails in my culture is the reason why so many young girls end up pregnant. They can't talk about these things with their own parents and so are forced to figure things out on their own. Or worse: from their just-as-clueless classmates.

So when she found those pills, yeah, I thought I was going to wake up dead the next morning. But it was also a huge relief; I was finally free. I didn't need to keep trying to fit into her mold of what makes a "good girl."

So, how'd your parents talk to you about the birds and the bees (if at all)? And parents, how do/will you approach your kids about it?



  1. i have noone to preach me on that lol/

  2. Do you wish you did? Or are you just fine with things as they are?

  3. All good points and very well written.
    I like how you said you were scared when your mom found your pills and relieved at the same time. All good stuff.

  4. I was okay with just feigning virginity as far as my mother was concerned until I got married (last year, at age 29!). She wanted to believe it, I wanted to let her believe it, even though we both knew it was a lie. As for talking to me about sex, I only remember her talking to me about it once. She must have been in a good mood that day, because she was rather normal about it. Usually, she's at the point where I thought she'd still be lecturing me about having it AFTER I was married!

    She happily sent me to sex ed, though.

  5. i actually wish i did bacause i have recently had something happen with that...well yeah i did have something in there(in the stomach) had to abort it for obvious reason :)

  6. SO. wait a minute, she found the pills last year, right? meaning you were 25 then, right?
    IF so I just have to say, OMFG!

    mY PARENTS never TOLD ME ABOUT IT, i HAD to find out THROUGH A FRIEND,THEN THE school told us about it during third grade, and then again in highschool health

  7. id have to say ditto to lainey except for the married part and to franco OMG third grade?

  8. Suz- Yeah, seriously thought she was never going to speak to me again. But honestly it went way better than I ever imagined. We didn't speak for a couple days, but when I told her I was going to my boyfriend's for the weekend she didn't object. I think she was just shocked/extremely naive. I'd already been with him/driving and staying at his house for over a year!

    lainey- I still have friends who pretend too for the same reasons I did. And the woman still wanted to remind me that if you have sex you can get AIDS and die. And I understand that yes, it's a real thing and whatnot, but I also wish she gave us a tiny bit more credit. WE KNOW!

    And I'm pretty sure she breathed a sigh of relief when she saw she wouldn't have to teach me about that stuff herself.

    Btw, never really talked about that stuff with dad, but his attitude has always been make your own decisions, do what you want, realize you're the one who has to be happy and deal with your own consequences, just make sure the guy respects you. That's all.

    kaylee- oh wow. I hope your parents took it well and were there to support you.

    franco- YES!! 25!! In a long term relationship! And she was still all shocked and mad!

    And yipers third grade?!? You know when I was looking for an image for this post I came across an ad with cookie monster on it and the words "C is for Condoms." A bit disturbing if you ask me. That might be a tad young. Did you understand anything they were saying?

    Dariany- I hear ya!

  9. HAHAHA!! Yes FEAR! That's how my mom is... I'm actually still waiting for my sex talk... I wonder when that will happen.

  10. Daddy's really open-minded. He's always like: "Be smart, but its your decision you're old enough to decide what you want to do with your body. Make sure whatever you do is because you want to do it not because of pressure or because of what people might think."

    My grandma is more like: "Don't let men touch you, then you'll end up alone and all groped (wth????)"

    And mom was usually like: "oh you're old enough to do what you want I support you" but then whenever she heard that someone was out having sex she would say "thank God you are not like that". And she would go and tell people that I don't have sex.

    Good times, good times.

  11. Hahaha, yes. I love how so many mothers swear their daughters are the perfect angel and then have to hide their faces months down the line because the daughter had a little surprise in the oven. Mom's the same way, "My daughter is decent and good." But she also knows that when you have a daughter yourself she could very easily make you "look bad." Oy vey.

    I'm pretty sure if I had a child out of wedlock, even if I was 35, she'd be ashamed. Just because it's out of the "norm." The woman isn't even comfy with me adopting a child!

    And listen little miss anonymous, if you don't give in your name or something to identify you I'm not going to consider you at all for the Biz Quiz! (You're lucky I know who you are...until I get a second anonymous on here)

  12. Arghhh... parents!
    I guess their intentions are somewhat good, its their delivery that sucks!

    There's no 'safe' sex these days... I know of friends of friends.... who got STD even using protections... scary world out there missy...

    I agree, this culure still brings up boys & girls differently...hard to alter! argh!!


  13. I agree with you that it's sad that old school mentality parents don't or didn't discuss it more with their children, for educational purposes. I do, however, understand where she's coming from. It's sad that someone even thinks it's okay to post such things as "I HAVE SEX" and "had to abort it" as if she's stamping herself with pride.

    It's even more important now adays to caution, educate, and teach our young women and men about what sex is, how it should be included in relationships, and the consequences of just doing it for fun.

    Parents try and "fear" their daughters into not doing, and I think we can almost all agree (with the exception of Palin and her "abstinence only" followers) that some sort of educating needs to occur. Hormones and teenage years have for centuries been the cornerstone of sexual experimentation, and it will continue to be so. SO, education is a must.

    To answer your question, I will be educating my boys thoroughly and answering any and all questions. I hope to impart on them the importance of having sex IN a relationship where the consequences of having it are welcomed and timely. Not to say children are consequences, but they are...blessed consequences.

    My first son was born "out of wedlock"...although I hate that term. His father and I were welcoming to that consequence even if it wasn't timely. But his father is now my husband, and the father to my second son. We were in our 20s and responsible adults.

    This is long, sorry. To end, sex is fun, sex feels good, sex is growth as a person - IF experienced properly. But STDs are NOT fun, they don't feel good, and the only growth from them are sores, lesions, cancer, and death. So I would say be smart when you get the feelings of jumping into a sexual relationship, and be aware of your partner, yourself, and everything that could "grow" with you as you take that next step. EACH AND EVERY TIME.

  14. That is how it is in our culture being african and muslim...seems like the notion is across the board that it is ok for boys to know everything but girls need to be protected! sigh....

  15. lenore, yeah they do their best. They just don't want their baby to get hurt. And don't even get me started on the sexism in this country!

    tooj, I thought your comment was so insightful. Thanks so much for giving us a mom's perspective! I agree, if you're going to teach them about sex don't just dish out the bad things about it. It can be a good thing if you're smart about what you do. Btw, nice touch about the "growths" there. Much appreciated.

    ioumou, hi! And thanks for the follow :)

    Yeah, boys can spread their wild oats, but Heaven forbid a girl does the same and it's a whole 'nother story. Not that I condone promiscuity here, just pointing out a double standard. If I ever went out clubbing and came home late (not even, like around 2 am) I'd have to hear the "You're not a guy to be out in the street so late." You want to get me mad? Say stuff like that to me. Or "No, he doesn't need to do the dishes."

    I digress. Either way, welcome to my crazy rambling blog :)

  16. That's how I was raised to! If I had sex I would get pregnant and get thrown out of the house and live in a cardboard box....

  17. ha....fear of pregnancy and ghona-sypha-herpenees....that was the talk!


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