Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Somewhere Between Here and There

On reflecting

For the past week I've been doing a lot of thinking and taking note of where I stand and where I stood 12 months ago. In other words I've been semi-melancholic for a few days now.

It's been a year since I literally almost drove myself into the ground, a year since I saw him last and now we've officially been apart longer than we were together. I wonder if a year from now I'll look on today the same way I think of a year ago - distant, knowing it hurt, but no longer able to fully taste how bad it was. Like an outsider looking in through a foggy window.

On moving on

My heart still isn't trying to hear it. I can feel myself rebuilding the walls slab by slab and I'm not really trying to stop it. A small part of me quietly hopes that in doing so, 20, 30, 50 years from now I can look back and say, "Good. My heart never hurt after that." Right now, any thoughts of sharing myself with someone else all feel half-way empty, robotic and cold. Doesn't make for much cuddling.

I've stopped asking when and why I haven't moved on and just accepted that it's because I just don't want to or at least I don't want to want to. So far, each glimmer of hope gets shot down by a fleet of flaming arrows. Self-sabotage at its finest.

Instead of risking and leaping, I'd rather cower and age until I make it safely to the other side. Alone and half-living perhaps, but intact.

Happy and sad to say that I'm growing quite used to it.

Image: flickr.com

24 comments:

  1. Hi - I've popped over from Robin's blog. I have been where you are, and I can say for myself that I was definitely able to put distance between me and a broken heart after all. I like your observation:

    'or at least I don't want to want to'

    When you want to want to, you'll know you made some progress.

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  2. I've hope. The exit sign for the off-ramp isn't well-lit and the overhanging branches block the view - but if you go slow and look hard - you'll find it.

    I've "grown quite used to it" - but please Dorkys - consider what you might miss out on - and all the things some really lucky guy will miss out on too.

    Please try...to stop the self-sabotage. Thats the best you can do - to try.

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  3. You'll get there. I was with my ex for close to a decade. I used to think about how much time I had wasted. One day Mr. Right came along and all that bitterness melted away. Hang in there!

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  4. Keeping the thoughts of what was so fresh can prohibit you from doing the one singular thing that will help: Self-reflect. Meaning, each night stop and look at yourself and your history for the day. What did you do? Did you sit and think about him or compare others to him? If so....how do you view that (as objectively as possible) as an outsider looking in on YOU? Do you want Groundhogs day for the rest of your lif? No. You've too much spirit in you for that. He's just a man, you're just a woman. You connected, you learn, you grew, you separated. Consider relationships the Lords of nomadic lifestyles and it'll all seem a lot less dramatic. :) To cheer you up, I've considered a vlog, but the sound of my voice recorded is nails on a chalkboard.

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  5. Okay...*learned...not learn*
    Good Lord.

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  6. Touching post...I feel for your situation. Hope you find peace soon but don't exclude risking and leaping forever...they too are part of the joys of life.

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  7. julia, how long did it take you? And sometimes I think I want to and other times I realize that I definitely do not.

    intense guy, you and I have discussed this at length before. I guess we're just a couple of stubborn, hard-headed people who hear the advice and concerns and proceed as we wish saying, "Easier said than done" when in reality it should be "I'm too scared to try."

    kristin, you make it sound so easy! Again I wonder, how long did it take? What did you do? And I want this bitterness gone before I move on so that I feel better knowing I'm happy not because another guy came along, but because I'm just in a better place. But a guy friend recently told me some of my relationship issues will go away with practice...and I can't exactly practice by myself. Wonderful...

    tooj, I don't even know what I think of anymore. I just vaguely remember what was, how happy we used to be, how hopeful we were and then how it all went up in smoke. And that maybe all this forever love that conquers all is a bunch of crap. Yes, I know I'm throwing a tantrum right now and that I might not feel this way next week or next month. But for now I'm not sure it's a concept I can bank on. Maybe I placed too much importance on what we shared to fully grasp how fragile this all is.

    I don't compare others to him per se (or at least haven't had that opportunity to do so yet), but I think about how I felt with him and don't want to imagine feeling that way with someone else. Maybe because then I'll realize that he was just a boy and I was just a girl and how transient love can be.

    jennymac, I know. At least my brain does.

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  8. Wow. I'm a month into a pretty devastating break up and I am sure a year from now I'll be writing a similar post.

    I thought I was doing ok. I put him out of my mind a lot and get out with my friends. I've spent time doing all the things he never felt like doing, and I thought I was ok. The crying stopped a few weeks ago, right around the time my hair color changed. And then the new semester started and students that I haven't seen all summer are coming in and asking if I got engaged over the break. And having to explain to them that it's over has made me want to cry all over again.

    I'd honestly rather be numb than have to feel this every day.

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  9. karen, I completely understand. I preferred numbness over pain so many times until it felt like it wasn't even me walking around. I'd just go through the motions, wake up, work, barely eat, no energy to do anything, sleep, wake up, do it again. It sucked! And still, numbness is more appealing than going through that emotional exhaustion and feeling.

    I went through it with my parent's divorce years ago and turned into this cold, soul-less person. Then I warmed up, felt better, was happy and whoosh! Numbness came crawling again and here we are.

    I cannot tell you that it's not the healthiest option and to stop doing it when I've yet to fully emerge from it myself. I guess feel what you need to feel and learn to recognize when you need a break from those hellish inner thoughts.

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  10. You throw a tantrum (although I wouldn't classify it as such). :) Sometimes it just feels good and I think we need to once in awhile. I know I do, and have. Just try and remember that joy is something that is created, not just found. Having joy with those around you, those who are in your present, is completely dependent on you and them creating something great and joyful. It's what I tell myself when OJ creates such frustration and anger. Babies and romance aren't necessarily comparable, but they ARE emotions, one and the same. :) Smile and create yourself some joy on this fine Hump Day. Have a drink for TO.

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  11. That's right. Trust your process. No need to rush the moving on. Where you are is probably where you need to be, and as long as you can see progress, then it exists.

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  12. I'm just gonna leave ya a huge *HUGZ* and move along. This one was a tough one this time around.

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  13. Man I wish I could just give you a giant hug and tell you that everything will be ok. But, beside that being weird since we really don't "know" each other...I would hope it would help. I've been divorced twice...I know the feeling all too well of the walking empty shell. We get up, function, paste a half ass smile on our faces to please others and then retreat to our hiding places to nurse the pain.
    The good news, my friend, is that although we never forget, we do heal.It takes time, and patience, and just when you least expect it...you begin a new chapter in your book.
    From the few months I've been communicating with you...I've gotten to realize that you are a fabulous person with lots to offer. Just be kind to yourself...and turn off the *ss kicking machine!!!

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  14. I applaud your honesty. Thank you for sharing. I enjoyed your space.

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  15. Oh, I felt this. Every word of it and what you didn't say....

    I don't have the right thing to say. I don't know what the right thing is, but know that you're cared about and we're for you.

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  16. Sometimes when things go wrong the only thing we can do to get through it is to try to put it out of our minds. Feeling numb can be much easier at the time, but it does always catch up, unfortunately.

    Just know that you are in a much healthier place than you were. You are able to enjoy things, go on vacations, be out with your friends, etc. That is a great accomplishment and step forward.

    Don't rush it and worry about where you will be in the future, but just know that even if you have moments of sadness you will be just fine! One day many years from now when you have found someone else you can look back at the past with fond memories and know you are much better off. It may not seem like it now, but it will all work out. All in good time my friend!

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  17. I know everyone says that someone better will come along, and that may be true. But I don't want someone better. I want him. And, for that reason, I'm pretty sure I'm going to turn into Miss Haversham from Great Expectations. Only with a lot less money.

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  18. tooj, I call it a tantrum when I know what I should do or what isn't helping and then do the opposite, digging in my heels and refusing to move towards change. Or at least that's what T used to call it when I was throwing a fit because I didn't like a situation I had no control over.

    As for the joy thing, I try sometimes and some days it just catches up to remind me of the past. Old habits are tempting.

    execumama, trust me, there's definitely no rushing on this end.

    ladystyx, thanks for the hug :)

    caren, first off, your comment actually made me laugh so thanks so much for that. I loved the fake smile and butt kicking machine because that is exactly what I've been doing - kicking myself for not wanting to move faster than I've been.

    cherie, thanks so much for visiting.

    heidi, and I don't know what I want to hear, but thank you :)

    joy, thanks for the hope and the happy reminders. At least the bouts of sadness are a lot shorter nowadays. We'll see where I'll end up many years from now when this chapter's all done.

    karen, you know reading your comments is just like reading everything I wrote last year (and even this year). Except for the Miss Haversham part. I never read that book even though it's been collecting dust on my bookshelf for the last three years.

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  19. Karen and Dorkys crack me up. Just for the record. :) Ladies, you are too funny. And too GOOD to be worried about a lovely man who isn't there. Be ABOUT IT this weekend, please! You know....for me. ;)

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  20. toojie! How dare you mock us and our plight?!

    :p

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  21. Always look forward!

    Ashley Kay
    http://lillawyer.blogspot.com

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  22. I am exactly where you are. After 7 and half years of loving the same man, I cannot even fathom opening up to someone else. Its takes strength to realize that it is in fact, OVER. Strength I cannot seem to gather. I am in constant pain and discomfort. I often daydream that he will soon knock on my door and ask me to be with him forever. I feel like a weak loooosah! He is not worth my time and yet my heart refuses to give up... It is embarrassing. I never thought I would be here.

    Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It helps to know that I am simply normal and experiencing life.
    Gracias Chica.

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  23. ashley, thanks for the tip.

    ditto, seven years sounds like an eternity, kid. Of course it's going to take a long time to fully move on after that. Holding onto hope that we'd get back together is what got me through to now. I often dreamt of the day he'd swoop in with some Grand Gesture that would wipe away everything that happened and make things right.

    Only the Grand Gesture never came and I felt - and still feel - dumb for ever expecting that to happen. I blame movies and telenovelas.

    Of course we never imagine we'd be here. I always thought I'd act tough and not break down as I have. But I guess it just went and showed me how much I cared despite all the senseless doubts I carried with me.

    You're not a loser for feeling this through. You're just human. And the fact that you're doing what you need to do despite how much you're hurting is proof of how strong you actually are.

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