Is it bad that I'm happy jacket weather is here so I can go back to hiding under layers of clothes? Summer can be harsh with its tank tops and dresses and the heat forcing us to bare more than we'd like.
I wonder for how long this is going to be a problem. I wonder why it doesn't just click. Last time I checked, I was a little smart and yet this I don't truly understand. I know it's unhealthy, I know the causes, the effects, the etc. And yet it takes such a hold on you that you've no clue how to stop starving and how to start eating.
The days I stay home are the worse. It's sad that I know they will be and don't try to fight it off. I just accept. Don't try to figure me out, I'm just telling it like it is. I sit around and I busy myself with something as the hours pass by. To me, dinner for one seems like a hassle and borderline depressing. Besides, I think, why go through all that trouble just for me? So I don't do it really.
When I took off work several weeks ago, I spent half the week with an incessant headache. Not enough food, not enough water, I know. I mean I write about this stuff! But there's a disconnect between knowledge and action. My brain says, "Dorkys you need to eat now." My soul replies, "Later." Until it's too late.
It took me a week to even like anything I ate. Til then, I just ate to get by.
Dressing room mirrors were surely created by the devil. I know my chest is too small, my arms are too thin and my hip and collar bones stick out. Now must I see this from six different angles? It's a jolt. It hurts. It tunnels your vision. All you see are those glaring faults. When someone else points them out, you feign confidence, plaster on a smile, make a joke, change the subject and fast. But inside, it cuts like a knife.
Some things just make no sense. Why do people smoke, do drugs, hurt themselves? Weakness, a need for control or self sabotage? Who knows. For now, I'm just glad I have something to hide behind.