Thursday, September 17, 2009

A Weighty Issue

Is it bad that I'm happy jacket weather is here so I can go back to hiding under layers of clothes? Summer can be harsh with its tank tops and dresses and the heat forcing us to bare more than we'd like.

I wonder for how long this is going to be a problem. I wonder why it doesn't just click. Last time I checked, I was a little smart and yet this I don't truly understand. I know it's unhealthy, I know the causes, the effects, the etc. And yet it takes such a hold on you that you've no clue how to stop starving and how to start eating.

The days I stay home are the worse. It's sad that I know they will be and don't try to fight it off. I just accept. Don't try to figure me out, I'm just telling it like it is. I sit around and I busy myself with something as the hours pass by. To me, dinner for one seems like a hassle and borderline depressing. Besides, I think, why go through all that trouble just for me? So I don't do it really.

When I took off work several weeks ago, I spent half the week with an incessant headache. Not enough food, not enough water, I know. I mean I write about this stuff! But there's a disconnect between knowledge and action. My brain says, "Dorkys you need to eat now." My soul replies, "Later." Until it's too late.

It took me a week to even like anything I ate. Til then, I just ate to get by.

Dressing room mirrors were surely created by the devil. I know my chest is too small, my arms are too thin and my hip and collar bones stick out. Now must I see this from six different angles? It's a jolt. It hurts. It tunnels your vision. All you see are those glaring faults. When someone else points them out, you feign confidence, plaster on a smile, make a joke, change the subject and fast. But inside, it cuts like a knife.

Some things just make no sense. Why do people smoke, do drugs, hurt themselves? Weakness, a need for control or self sabotage? Who knows. For now, I'm just glad I have something to hide behind.

Image: speaking-up.com

15 comments:

  1. Dressing room mirrors are of the devil! I don't think they are flattering for anyone!

    I am sorry that you are having to deal with things that are hard to figure out. You are more than just a little smart and you will get everything under control in due time.

    If you need an unbiased ear, you know where to find me! ;) Take care of yourself. I hate to see my bloggy friend sad.

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  2. Thanks joy :)

    I'm not sad, just frustrated that something so trivial is tripping me up. And annoyed that some people don't understand what it feels like.

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  3. I know what you mean. Some people can't ever see things from someone else's point of view.

    If you are smaller people think you are free game and open to questions. There is a huge double standard, since if someone were obese it would be considered rude to make comments about their size.
    It is just as hurtful though either way.

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  4. Exactly. You don't hear me saying, "Dang fatty. Lay off the burgers will you?"

    I remember when I was younger, on every trip I made to DR year after year, one of the first questions I'd get would be, "Are you eating?"

    My answer, "If I didn't eat, I'd be dead, no?"

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  5. We aren't as lucky here in California. The perpetually sunny skies lend few excuses to hide under bulky sweaters. But I definitely don't take care of myself and I really need to start.

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  6. I'm just as happy as you are about the jacket weather but for the opposite reason.

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  7. I think the fall fashions are just so much cuter than summer clothes, but that's just me.

    As far as the eating for one, girl, I have been there, and I know exactly what you mean. I definitely didn't take as good of care of myself when I was single, I would make a piece of toast, maybe an apple for dinner and call it good. I just didn't want to hassle with it.
    Try having dinner dates with your friends, maybe have a weekly dinner night where someone cooks for everyone. Those always helped me.

    Now I'm on the other end, where I've got a little extra cushion, which can be hard, and makes me want to go back to my old habits. But then I remember how sick I used to always be when I was too thin, how tired all the time, and cranky! So even though I might have a couple extra pounds, I'm healthy, and I'm happier.

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  8. No ONE person can truly understand what it feels like to be another person. The best we can hope for is that they've had similar experiences, or will simply listen.

    Disclaimer: Because I type this next sentence, it does not mean I didn't hear your frustrations.

    You are gorgeous. You have a wonderful mind that will be the only joy we ALL have to learn to accept in the less than far future. Some with beauty will never experience a great mind and good conversation, and those with great minds and good conversation will let it pass them by trying to find beauty. Don't be either of these.

    Life is short, and should be spent finding the sweet. Screw the companies that get to label a size in jeans. Screw the girls who were born with or bought beautifully fitted breasts. What matters is heart and mind. You have both. And you have my chocolate. Fork it over, woman.

    Force yourself into having a wonderful weekend, a slice of greasy pizza, and a smile from friends. I wish I could be there to force you too.

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  9. I've already said what I think, so I'll just leave this with, "I'm glad the heavy coats and the puffy sweaters can't hide those beautiful eyes and the mega-awesome smile you have."

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  10. excellent post.. i never really thought about it like that before.

    i know its easy to say, but you should never feel like you have to hide yourself...

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  11. Can I just ditto the last 3 people and move along? Body image issues are definitely no fun. It doesn't matter what size you are, no one should be pointing it out unless it's not usual for the person to be that thin/fat....and even then you better damned well know that person well before you point it out.

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  12. I'm just gonna ditto Styxie's comment here.

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  13. I can so relate to this post. I just let myself go when I am at home,..

    To me, dinner for one seems like a hassle and borderline depressing.
    And I am the world's worst cook!

    Luckilly, I have the water part covered. I make sure that drink enough. Always.

    As for those mirrors, I made peace with them, cause I am slowly learning to love this body I have.

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  14. Oh I hear ya. I'm never happy with my body. I'm either too big or too thin. I never just accept my body.

    Check out this post of Angela's, you might appreciate it. I did.
    http://www.freespirithaven.com/2009/09/embracing-your-body.html

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  15. My weight is always a struggle....and yet nobody thinks it should be. Everyone thinks I look "fine." Yet, I never feel fine.

    One day, I just want to feel enough. =) One day.

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