I'm fully aware that this is probably not the best time to write anything. A couple days of very poor sleep had me lashing out at A. a few days ago for no reason (other than the fact that I handle lack of sleep much worse than PMS). It's been raining for days and I keep having these nightmares about leaks and water. Or it could be because my bathroom has completely flooded twice since last night and could very well do so again before today is through.
So in other words, I'm not exactly in the best state of mind.
Still, I feel like I've hit a wall. A massive, insurmountable wall called Life as an Unemployed Writer. Nine months as a freelancer and I feel like I should have more to show for that time. Yes, I've churned out about 10 magazine stories and more online articles than I care to count, but it's not enough. It's not a set schedule with a steady wage and coworkers to complain about. It's not brainstorming sessions in the conference room feeding off of each other's ideas. I miss having one product I can put all my efforts into and feel like I'm contributing towards something promising be it a flourishing magazine, my career or both.
When millions lost their unemployment benefits in June, I freaked out along with them. I saw my savings start to go down and gave myself until the end of summer to find a new full-time job. Luckily, those benefits were reinstated a month later, but it taught me not to rely on this government to bail you out for too long. Well, unless you're a money-hungry bank owner.
But as summer winds down with few prospects in sight, I'm beginning to give up those lofty dreams of actually finding something solely in my field. The magazine industry - one that's already so hard to break into - isn't in the greatest shape right now. Plus, it's all about who you know and milking those relationships to your advantage and unfortunately that's never been my strong suit. But I suppose hoping that my work and enthusiasm would just speak for itself without the need to toot my own horn is pure naivety.
So what does a person do when she realizes that she can't really follow her passion right now? That she might have to get off her high horse and pay off her master's degree with a retail job? What else could she do that would make her just as happy? That's what I'm currently trying to figure out, quickly, before I wind up settling because time has simply run out.