Friday, April 6, 2012

I'm Okay, You're Okay, But Sometimes We're Not Okay

I used to like having people think and tell us that A. and I are some kind of super couple and I still do sometimes, but whenever we had things to work through in the relationship, it felt more like projecting a façade than anything close to genuine. It felt like pressure! When we'd hang out with others and they'd ask how we were, I'd quickly pipe in with "We're fine!!" I'd be too embarrassed and self-conscious to admit that things had been rocky between us, as if releasing that information would create an anvil over our heads. Plus, I didn't want anyone predicting our doom when they could never understand the full story of us.

Lately, it's been such a relief to just be real with my close friends and admit that yeah, we care about one another, but damn is it hard sometimes. It feels even better when the other person replies with, "I know! It takes so much work!" It helps me realize that no matter how happy and easy breezy a couple may seem in public, you don't see the time and energy they could be putting into overcoming their issues at home. And I think knowing that there's still love, respect, and understanding even in the face of rough obstacles is more admirable than presenting the idea that everything was, is, and always will be perfect.

Image: Francesca Crippa on flickr.com

12 comments:

  1. When we did pre-marriage counseling, our therapist said, "You can take 2 couples that, on paper, are exactly alike. But one is happy and one is not. The happy couple is happy because they can work through 'the stuff'. The unhappy couple is unhappy because they can't get past 'the stuff'. Learn how to get through 'the stuff' and you'll be much happier and much stronger."

    Yep. Relationships are HARD. But knowing how to work through 'the stuff' is so important. :)

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    1. That's what we keep saying, to know if we have what it takes and whatnot. Surely there must be an easier way though. Some kind of litmus paper you can lick or something?

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  2. That is one of the best lessons you will learn in relationships. No need to put on a facade in front of others because they cannot "fix" your issues. Only the two of you can. It's better to live in reality than a fantasy.

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    1. It's hard when the fantasy is so appealing, but then you'll just end up going around in circles rather than hunkering down and figuring it out.

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  3. I have to admit, I'm guilty of this myself; I still haven't brokenn the habit, and we've been married almost 9 years now, LOL!

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    1. Well you must be doing something right then! Wow!

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  4. All relationships are work -- romantic or otherwise. It's the love that gets you through all of the rough patches, and those are to be expected now and then because the two of you aren't the same person. You have different dreams and experiences and ideas and opinions. That will make it hard at times, but it's also what makes it so fantastic.

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    1. I've always been drawn to guys who are so unlike me, in culture, background, upbringing, etc., but it never dawned on me that it would take that much work to understand each other sometimes. We're not entirely different, otherwise we'd just clash 24/7, and I love that I can teach him things while he teaches me about others, but it definitely takes patience and pulling back sometimes.

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  5. One of the hardest things in life is remembering that we too often compare our worst moments to other peoples' best.

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  6. Nothing smart to say - just saying I'm pulling for ya.. to be happy and for your dreams to come true.

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