Thursday, May 3, 2012

Things I'm Afraid to Tell You

When Ez Pudewa of the blog Creature Comforts tweeted a call out for bloggers willing to reveal something personally difficult to their readers, I jumped in. I didn't know all the rules, but I knew it'd be a good push for me to be more authentic with you guys while also helping me push past some of my own fears and boundaries. When I dove into Dry As Toast after my breakup in 2008, I was a ball of emotions, struggling, and dealing with so many issues that needed to burst out. Some of you saw me through those dark days until I slowly came out of it smiling, more optimistic, and a bit more sure-footed, but I've also felt myself fall into this trap of solely blogging quick and happy snippets instead of sharing thoughts and ideas that would truly allow you to connect with me. I admit, Dry As Toast had turned into a "lovely little blog."

Inspired by Jess Constable's post about the things she's afraid to tell her readers, Ez has gathered up a group of bloggers who've decided to the same with theirs (check out the growing list here). It's a bit scary to remove the mask you've come to build for yourself. A part of me wants people to think I no longer get depressed, that I've gained back all the weight I lost years ago, that I'm healthy, that I no longer hurt myself, and that everything's A-OK, but that would be a lie. I still get incredibly anxious in social situations (and just life in general), I still get dizzy spells because I don't eat enough, and I haven't been able to stop the scratching. So I welcomed this push to share a few more things I've been afraid to tell you.

I'm afraid of how strongly the wish to have a child has suddenly swept in. For so long it'd been "not me, not now" and then whoosh! I might have gotten emotional about it a few times and find myself talking about raising kids with A. fairly often - too often perhaps. And even though I'm in a relationship that's fun as is and know I should take my time because I'm just not prepared for that responsibility quite yet, I still feel a tinge of jealousy when yet another person shares their engagement or pregnancy on Facebook. It almost makes my heart hurt how much I want those things, too, because I'm scared that it might not happen for me.

I worry that I'm not a good enough writer and that everyone else around me is infinitely more talented than I am. When it comes to this field, comparing yourself to your colleagues is pointless because everyone takes such different routes, but it happens. I'm also unsure when it comes to my financial future, am so not prepared for an emergency, and am a little insecure about my income being drastically less than my boyfriend's. I say it isn't an issue and it really isn't when it comes to the day-to-day, but when I let my mind go to future stuff, it bugs me to think that I might not ever bring in as much as he would or be able to save enough to buy a house and feel financially stable. At 30, I'm still terrible at managing my money and haven't been able to get my only debt, that damn Sallie Mae, off my back.

And here's the one that has me hyperventilating and second-guessing my wanting to share this at all, but also one I've gone back and forth on ever revealing for over a year now. Over the last five years, and more so in the last couple, I've found myself attracted to some women. It's a curiosity that has been exciting to explore with A. but also scary to admit around certain people. I've been guarding that side out of fear of being judged, talked about, or worse, have girlfriends feeling like I'm going to start hitting on them out of the blue. I wish I could be the liberated and open-minded woman that lurks inside no matter what circle of friends these topics come up in and have it not matter, but off-putting comments by those who don't know have made me think twice about ever being that honest when it comes to sex - even if I'm secretly offended by the things they say.

I've shunned the label "bisexual" opting for the softer "bicurious" instead and still get uncomfortable when A. casually throws it my way. Maybe because I don't want to attach anything permanent to who I am or perhaps because I'm still figuring out my own comforts and prejudices against the title. If I only want and seek relationships with men, but get turned on by women and full-on girl crushes that have me gushing about her to A., then what does that make me? Does it even matter? All I know is that curiosity and intrigue is definitely there and I only wish I were brave enough to embrace that this is just a part of who I am. Take me or leave me.

Now go on and read all the bravery floating through today. Maybe you'll also want to share the things you've been keeping to yourself, too. It might be terrifying at first (I just spent more than an hour "editing" this post just to talk myself into publishing it), but hopefully you'll feel lighter and a bit more genuine once you do.

Image: courtesy of Ez Pudewa

15 comments:

  1. What a courageous post Dorkys! I hope you feel liberated and lighthearted releasing these things out into the open. I am truly inspired by your honesty. Thank you for being a part of this challenge! xo Ez

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Ez! That means a lot. I was all ready to just throw it out there and then came to a complete halt when it was finally time to hit publish. I agree, bloggers can tend to create this false sense of perfection and that our lives are bright and cheery all the time when we're still real people, dealing with issues, and struggling through insecurities. Thanks for organizing this challenge. I'm sure (or at least hope) we've given others courage to be more authentic.

      Delete
  2. Replies
    1. Thanks, baby. I was trying to reach out to you yesterday cause I needed you to talk me into going through with it, but you were idle! Did it anyway :)

      Thanks so much for the push, for the chat last night and every other night, for making me feel comfortable enough to just blurt things out and never judging me no matter what they are. You're all kinds of awesome. I love you.

      P.S. Still nervous, but whatever, right?

      Delete
  3. Wanting a family is only natural.

    You're a great writer, and success with writing isn't measured by money anyway; plenty of awesome writers bearly make enough to mention, and plenty of rich writers suck. Just do your best, and enjoy it!

    And, there's nothing wrong with being curious.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Your honesty is so beautiful. You really took this challenge and applied it fully. (at the risk of sounding catty, so many of the other bloggers posting on this topic haven't really confessed much--it's really not that surprising to learn someone hates to clean their toilet or they doubt themselves).

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you for sharing this, takes such great courage! You and the rest of the bloggers participating in this series motivate me to share my own demons. Wishing you strength!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Well I think you are fabulous the way you are. There is nothing wrong with not having things completely figured out...does anyone ever really? You are very brave for sharing the real you.. the ever evolving you!

    And if you ever figure out a way to get Sallie Mae off your back can you please give me your methods? I have been trying to lose Citibank for years! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  7. I got to say, I am completely shocked that you question your writing. It is impecable, you really have a way with words. I guess that just shows how much we all have insecurities about things.
    I really admire your bravery to write this post by the way. I would write one too but I don't write in my blog often so I feel like a post like this would be too out of the blue. It's a great project though. It's really refreshing to read about people's quirks for once, as opposed to the perfect things that are usually talked about on blogs.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I have seen you come a long way... and even if its disheartening to hear some of the same old same old still plagues you because I want you to be happy and secure and content but still driven ... you have a lot of talent.. you are a gifted writer and excellent photographer.. you have aa great eye for wonferfully creative.. add to the mix your courage to be up front and honest. I wish nothing more than to see that awesome smile of yours radiating in a gazillion megawatts.... life is a journey... I have complete faith in you... to become whatever your biggest dreams promise you.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Congrats on this post, it takes courage, depth and honesty to share your inner fears and anxieties. Know that all your readers have them too and that we take comfort in strength in seeing others willing to share!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Awesome post, you are a great writer and I think of you when I want to quit my blog and the inspiring FB convo we had. If nothing else we write for ourselves and you should know that people do enjoy what you've put out there. I read some of the other bloggers posts and It's nice to know that everyone has their own issues and things hidden behind the comp screen that aren't made up of beautiful DIY projects, photos of travels and family life and their latest fashion score.
    I just watched this movie 35 and ticking on netflix, not the greatest but I get why you want the family life. Also know that there will never ever be a perfect time, you have to do what's best for you. Married 4yrs and together 9yrs and 2 kids and life has thrown our family obstacles that we were never prepared for, you go with the flow!
    Thanks for sharing! and being authentic!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Dorkys, this post was incredible -- I'm so glad you revealed these things. I find myself hoping to have the reaction you now do about children. Right now, I have no desire for them. I don't know if I ever will. And it's not that I don't love children because I do, but I'm not there yet. Maybe the right guy coming along will help.

    And as for the bicuriosity, I once worked with a director who thought there was a spectrum that we all exist on, and that no one was completely at one end or the other. We're all shades of grey (I'm totally not trying to reference the book here, as I haven't even read it yet). Women are beautiful. And so are men. I think being able to appreciate that beauty, wherever you find it is wonderful.

    ReplyDelete
  12. wow. thank you for writing this

    ReplyDelete
  13. You're not alone in some of this. I am forever having troubles with the same family desire issue and I'm 42..... As for the writing, you're much better than you give yourself credit for.

    ReplyDelete

Say word.