my surgery on Friday, which supposedly went well even though I woke up crying and feeling like crap, it's that an anesthetic is one hell of a drug and I'm incapable of giving myself what I need. Instead of resting up like I was ordered to do, I spent my weekend getting up early, shuffling around in my PJ's doing randomness around the house, and then getting so annoyed when I was physically incapable of doing certain things. Laying in bed all day is such a waste, I'd protest, until Monday came along and found myself so exhausted during work I could barely stay awake.
This week, I was a total grumpkin and there was very little anyone could do to improve my mood. I was taking my frustrations out on others and the more they tried to help the more I dug my heels into the ground in absolute hmpf! I was a walking thundercloud surrounded by electric triggers and all I wanted was to be left alone. Why couldn't they understand that I had no time for music and peace when life sucks and then you die?! Or better yet, why couldn't I see my emotions for what they were and pull a U-ey right back to normality?
"You have absolutely no love for yourself sometimes. No allowance to indulge yourself. No headspace to fall into and relax," A. said to me today.
I don't allow it because I don't believe I deserve it. The kind gestures I offer others I rarely tuck away for myself. I don't nurture my soul or fiercely embrace the things that bring me joy as if life danced along the strings that tie those moments together. After being asked to write down what soothed me or took me to my happy place, I thought of one thing…and then drew a blank. Here, I'm giving it another shot because I need to remember that there are many, many more:
doodling with abandon • writing/receiving letters • hot baths • my curls the day after I've washed them • classical music • fireworks • and for that matter, orgasms • oil massages • other people's babies • flowers (by the way, did you know ramos is Spanish for bouquet?) • Ferrero Rochers and itty bitty cupcakes • being the little spoon • fruit smoothies • really good fiction • candles • sleep
So tell me, how do you nurture yourself? Do you treat yourself to little indulgences from time to time to keep your spirit on fire?