Friday, August 22, 2008

Letting Go While Holding On

I dreamt of him last night again. Since I told him we're not speaking for a while I've been dreaming more frequently about him. It's as if no matter how hard I try to push thoughts of him aside throughout the day, my mind brings them back at night when I can't fight them off. Or it might even be me subconsciously flipping through those old memory files to keep reminding myself of what we shared when "you" and "me" was replaced by "us."

I wonder if our pictures are still in his wallet. The ones I gave to him on our first anniversary and which were still there as of last Sunday.

"But why?" I asked him.
"Because I like them there," he said.
"Well I want you to take them out."
"Ok, if that's what you want."

Only it's not. I want our pictures there. Right after the break-up, the fact that he still carried them around gave me hope and reassured me that he still cared; that what we had mattered to him. But now that I'm trying to distance myself from him I'm scared he'll completely forget.

To this day I still carry around our pictures in my purse. I might not look at them, but for some reason knowing they're with me makes me feel better. Maybe one day I'll be able to put them away.


  1. I know this is completely different.

    But I still keep my mom's number in my contact list on my cell phone. Even though its a new phone and I went through the numbers I wanted to delete. I can't bring myself to delete her name off it.

  2. Maybe doing things like this makes us feel that they're still around even if they're not. That someday they'll pop back into our lives. Or maybe we're just trying to hold on to a piece of the past to make the present a little more bearable.

    I don't know if it's healthy or not. People kept telling me holding out hope for all those months wasn't healthy, but you know what? I clearly wasn't ready to cut all ties so soon. That hope helped me get through the first six months and if these pictures will help me through the next six then so be it.

    If keeping your mom's number on your cell phone is your way of holding on to a piece of her then I think that's ok. We each do what we feel is best for us.


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