Wednesday, December 3, 2008

The Commitment-Phobe

[So I've finally convinced my other best buddy, Anonymous, to write a post! What's even more miraculous is that after months of commenting under no name, she's decided to pick a pseudonym: Derailed. And seriously? Nothing fits better. Here she writes about her relationship issues...]

Here's the deal: I’ve had this semi–sometimes–pseudo boyfriend for the past...ehhh 12 months now (one year?!) and we still haven’t spoken about it: the Big Commitment, the scary monster that hides under his bed. And we’re not taking marriage here either. We’re talking about the boyfriend/girlfriend commitment that should really be no biggie…right?


I know what you’re thinking. As a matter of fact I know what you’re doing. You’re parading around the room waving those big red flags and trust me I’ve heard it all before. I've heard every reason imaginable to break it off with my Commitment-Phobe and move on to bigger and better. "The grass is greener way over there on the other side of the fence and then a little to the left."


The advice sounds rational…in theory. But the truth is that matters of the heart understand no logic. It goes in one ear and out the other. While it is not the most ideal, most perfect, or most fairy tale relationship, who really gets to decide what a relationship looks like anyway?

I just watched MTV’s True Life: I'm in a Love Triangle where one male and female couple mutually agreed on inviting a third party to their relationship! And they were both perfectly comfortable doing so. How’s that for conformity? Some might say that's insane, no?

So yes, it is true my pseudo-no commitment-sometimes relationship does have its ups and downs. It doesn’t involve family functions or public displays of the G word (for girlfriend). But there is good company, mutual respect as well as great intimacy - and come on, who can pass up cuddling in bed with ice cream?! And as odd as this sounds, it has stability.

So I would like to know: have you ever found yourself involved in a relationship that didn't necessarily fit the "norm?" And how many of you stuck by a Commitment-Phobe and how did it turn out?



  1. Interesting topic, though I'm afraid I can't offer too much opinion, because so far I've usually stuck to just crushing on cute boys, and hey, if something more happens, that's fine, but I'm not worried about having a boyfriend. I'm independent, busy with things I'm passionate about, and plently happy being single, so I'm not going to push for any relationship to happen. I don't maybe I'm the one who would have commitment problems, because I'm so independent... but I don't really know. Guess I'll find out some time! ;)


  2. psh, talk about a weird pseudo-rela how about not 1,but 2 LDRs (long dist relas) and not from 1 state to the other either, im talking about a whole fckin ocean, whats even more hilarious is that there wasnt even the mere possibility of it working out in the long run: no visa? no traveling! but i stuck thru for a yr, why? cuz it was fun and way better than nothing... but it sucked cuz i couldnt even think about long term commitments: i had no plans of relocating and he couldnt.

    but i dont regret either of them, its allowed me to see that not all relationships have to make sense on paper. i do think, however, that their is a big different bw not wanting to commit and not wanting to commit to YOU. You just gotta figure out where ur boo stands. is he really not a commitment fan, or is he using you to keep him warm while he waits for something better?

    also are you happy not mtg his family, being intro'd as his buddy and not gf, and the lack of PDA? if its something you dont need from a significant other, then right on with ur pseudo-no-commitment-sometimes rela.

    one thing is certain: we all deserve to be loved and respected. A ese sucio k no te tenga de relajo!

    ps. derailed, ure a good writer... i hope to rd more of ur stuff. xoxo

  3. relationship is such a complex's mostly about emotional baggage that we carry into a relationship...carrying them is the burden we need to get rid of...understanding & forgiveness so 'key'. Anyhow,cuddling in bed with ice cream? Sticky situation non??? ;)

  4. dama, I could not stop laughing...LOL. You seem to have relationship issues as well. Then, again we all do somewhere down the road. I suggest you blog about it!
    : ) It actually helps and I'm sure Dorkys wouldn't mind. And thank you for the good writer comment.

  5. I think I would probably get tired of giving a lot more than what I'm getting in return. A relationship should be about give and take, not necessarily evenly split 50-50, but it seems like he likes things just as they are and won't change them. Have you asked to discuss the topic or do you just shove it aside because he won't want to talk about it?

    But like you said, each relationship is different and no one but the two involved can really know what goes on between them. If you're perfectly happy with the current set-up, no one should judge because to each his/her own, right?

    Now if you sometimes feel like you're wasting your time and think the relationship is at a stand-still, then maybe it's time to be honest with and good to yourself and have that chat (call it a "chat"... The Talk is way scary for anyone). If he refuses then you have your answer: he's not going to change for you.

    And yes, that means he might change for someone else whenever he's ready.

  6. Mmmmm, perhaps in one now? Cannot decide. Have met his parents and he's told others about his gf, so perhaps not. Hmmmm. Interesting to ponder none the less.

  7. I think I married my pseudo. LOL We are certainly NOT what lots of people describe as marriage, at least around these SITS circles. :) There is none of this "speaking rationally" stuff, and all those women who say "if he ever told ME to shut up...." would DIE in my relationship. Quick. LOL We're brash, rude, talk too much, and did everything backward, balancing on the brink of break up but both too stubborn to step off the rope. And here we are, 6 1/2 years later. You pseudo yourself UP and enjoy whatever goodness comes from it!!

  8. i don't nother with relationships, I need no one.

  9. Eh, if YOU don't want commitment or marriage, then go ahead and stay with the man. Fun is fun. But if you're looking for stability/oh-what-a-pretty-ring/we-should-have-a-baby love, Get. Out. Now.

  10. I can only say how not to have a relationship since I'm only good at failures.

    Friendship on the otherhand...

  11. I COMPLETELY agree with Denene. It really depends on what you're looking for. Understand that if you want the "I know pronounce you..." relationship, then you're wasting your time with Commitment-Phobe.


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