Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Mustn't Love Dogs

Time and time again I've heard phrases denoting the value of our wonderful men.

"Los hombres no sirven."
"Men need to sow their wild oats."
"Men are after one thing and one thing only. And it's not your personality."
Or my favorite: the all-encompassing "Men." With that you've said it all: men will be men (never meaning anything good) and all women can do is accept it or run off to the nunnery.

Although I know that this doesn't pertain to all (otherwise Lord help us), I also know that there are lots of no-good dirty fish in the sea. Toxic ones that will give you just enough attention (more like drama and indigestion) to keep you coming back for more. That is until they either get bored or get what they want and swim away to the next untasted bait.

And yet there are women who will stick around. The kind that hopes she's more than enough for him. She tries to tame him by accepting the unacceptable. Or better yet, by getting mad when she finally notices his true colors. The same hues (and clues) that were there from the beginning.

"I can make him change," she tells herself. "I'll be the positive influence he needs to turn his life around."

Girl please.

Here's a newsflash: you can't change anyone who has no interest in changing. Yes, he might fall madly in love with you and realize that he should put his roaming ways behind him. Or he might not. Question is are you going to keep waiting beside him until he decides to do so?

But you can't point fingers if you're in the situation. Not when you can take yourself right out. Men are dogs because women let dogs lie.

So who's worse? Those with the questionable habits or those who accept them?

We don't need to accept anything less than what we deserve. Doing so only reflects on what you think of yourself. Maybe it's time we put our collective foot down and raise the bar.

Image: havehappydogs.com


  1. "Here's a newsflash: you can't change anyone who has no interest in changing"--AMEN! Very nice post!!

  2. Just like you said, I think that most of the time men act the way they do because women allow them to. It's like we complain over how bad they are, but we accept their treatment.

    I think it's hard to admit that a man might not like us as much as we might want him to, but that's the only way to move on. We need to face the facts, if he doesn't give you the love and respect you deserve it's because he doesn't like you as much as you would like him to. And you know what? That's fine.

    No one is obligated to like anyone, but people are obligated to treat people with respect and if a man can't treat you with respect then you need to show him a new trick, and that's how to find the door.

  3. Wow, nothing like being categorized as a no-good dirty fish, a lying dog, and an oat sower to boot all in a few short paragraphs!

    :) Just hopin' you remember the "this doesn't pertain to all" part... but I hear ya.

  4. heyyyy i just posted like 3 paragraphs!!!

  5. kelley, thanks! And it's true: you can save yourself a lot of needless frustration if you keep that in mind. Very hard to let that go though. Trust me, I know.

    heidi, yeah. We just make excuses because the truth hurts. You know what also hurts? Waking up and saying, "Oh snap! Where'd I put my dignity??"

    intense guy, I will never forget about the "this doesn't pertain to all" because I will only pay attention to those who aren't no-good dirty, lying dog fish who sow oats. Those fools need not apply.

    anonymous, try again! I'd love to hear what you have to say :)

  6. Okay I'll try posting again : )
    Dorkys, this topic that you bring is pretty broad. It's just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to understanding men and women. There have been countless numbers of books written by people just trying, hoping to understand why we do the things we do.
    Bottomline is, women are more emotional and communicate more and are more nurturing than men. Men are, for the most part, passive and nonconfrontation. They are simple creatures. Or so I've read.... Women are the ones who sit around and analyze everything down to why did he decided to eat the chicken for lunch rather than go for the turkey.
    Anyways, from what I have learned in my experiences is that you cannot change someone who is not willing to change. You cannot change their mind, cannot change their hearts or at least not for the long run. You can try to trick them but it doesn't work : ) Trust me I have tried all the tricking I can.
    But yet, our "norturing side" makes us want to change them anyway, we want to take care of him, teach him, entertain him, make him a better person... similar to how we would treat a child.

  7. anonymous, thanks for trying again. (you love me!) Yup, I know I'm only skimming the surface here with these sweeping generalizations. I know that not all men act this way and there are so many reasons why those who do act the way they do. And there are women who also break hearts and keep it moving. Still doesn't excuse it.

    I agree that generally women want to fix people, make things better and are more willing to sacrifice themselves and their happiness to take care of others. Maybe I'm just being idealistic here, but if you give so much of yourself to someone else, shouldn't you at least be happy in return? Shouldn't you want to wear your heart on your sleeve just because you want to and because you care for that person and NOT because you want him (or her) to become someone who will care more about you?

    It should all be easy, effortless not an intricate game plan created to trap him. I don't even think I'm smart enough to trick anyone into doing anything. Plus, it sounds exhausting.

    Ok, I just rambled.

    Btw, loved that last line ;)

  8. It's never easy. Nothing is ever easy when it comes to matter of the heart.

    Maybe it's best to just date or be with someone you mildy care for... lol that way you're feelings won't get in the way!

  9. Oh, but that sounds so depressing! Always loving just a little and never letting yourself go all the way there. I know it's scary (clearly why I haven't made the leap in so long), but I'd like to think it's possible to love without the hurt. Or maybe you need to experience the hurt in order to recognize real love?

    I don't know. I'm confused. I hope it gets easier as I get older. I have much to learn and I wish I knew it all already at 27.

  10. Well, if it makes you feel better Dorkys, I've dated plenty and still know nothing....

  11. Will we ever?

    I just go off idealisms and learn from mine and my friends' mistakes. Surely if we pool together the little we know we can decipher something out.

  12. Wait a minute.. it's not possible to love and not be hurt. It's impossible. Love has it's ups and down just like everything else in life (even marriage!). The perfect love that doesn't know hurt, does not exist. Relationships all take work, whether its a friendship a bf/gf, husband/wife, boss/employee. We all get upset and pissed about everyone at one point. I'm sure there have been days you want to strangle me, or your sister or your mom or your dog...shoot even Heidi!...why?! Because you love them : )
    And love is never perfect.... Now if you know someone for years and there has never been a point in time where you think about killing them (or maybe not to that extreme) then HOUSTON you have a problem.

  13. Love is complicated, relationships are complicated because people are complicated.

    I don't know what I want, I dont't know if I want to love someone mildly so I can act sane or if I want someone that takes my breath away.

  14. What me? Please I am flawless, people love me 24/7.

  15. Actually, she's right Heidi...but I'd only kill you out of love. Remember that. (And she's not exempt either.) And yes, it can be healthier to argue rather than leave that anger brewing up inside. That's how you get things out in the open so you can work on issues.

    Man, I need older and wiser friends who can let me in on a thing or two about life and love. This is when an older sister would sooo come in handy.

  16. Count your lucky stars Dorkys, I have an older sister who is useless. I'd prefer a second dog.

  17. Meanwhile I'm sure my sis thinks the same of me...

  18. LOL Anonymous, don't be mean.

    The truth is that people can give you advice but we all need to live our lives and learn from our mistakes.

    Those are the real lessons learned.

  19. There's a saying involving dogs..."Somedays you're the dog....somedays you're the hydrant." And so it goes for relationships, marriage, men and women, mother and child....the list is endless. All people act "doggish" at some point, and I will not take this statement back. We all have done something that wasn't right. It just so happens that more of these times fall in the laps of the men. :) The end.

  20. Even older, it doesnt get any less confusing.

  21. OMG i love this topic and i have soo much in my mind to say but you guys have already said soo much and i agree with all of it...but yeah Ive love to my fullest potential and although im currently single cus of reasons too long to explain...i cant wait to feel that love all over again i dunno if its just me but i feel empty in some ways when im not loving someone (and i mean the romantic love cus i have all kinds of friends and family love lol) and i know what you guys are thinking who defines theme selves as incomplete without someone else...i don't...i am fully complete...i am me and i feel i am the best version of myself...but part of what makes me, me is the love that i give...ok so maybe it takes time to get over the past and only love in my life but dang ive been ready to love again...but why cant i find someone whos also ready for me lol...and yeah its more to that cus i need to have at least some kind of desire for that person too (dama you know who im talking about lol)

    so yeah during my dating life ive experienced mainly...
    1)the guys who are not ready...too many times
    2)the guy who is "crazy in love" but i dont feel the same
    3)the guy who seems interested but trails off another way and just confuses the shit out of me cus i dunno what to make of it lol
    4)the guy who loves me and i love but we cant be together or apart lol

    I NEED TO FIND THE FIT (it doesnt need to be perfect ...it just needs to fit lol)

    ok im done rambling also

  22. tooj, definitely to all of that. It goes both ways and I agree we've all made our mistakes. I'd like to think that most of us made our mistakes and never meant to intentionally hurt someone we cared about. And if so, hopefully we've learned the lesson so we don't continue causing the same pain.

    ladystyx, awesome. Thanks for the pep talk...

    dariany, oh little cousin. What a year it has been for us. I also wish I found my fit, the one who'll give me butterflies each time I see him. But that's for another post.

    I know what you mean about feeling whole and knowing that if need be you could very well fend for yourself. But having someone to share what you have with seems sweeter. Coming home to someone to just talk about your day sounds a lot better to me than coming home to an empty apartment. I might have my leave-me-alone moments, but usually that's when I'm yelling "hug me!" inside.

    Totally with you on guys # 3 and 4. Oh and guy # 5: who enjoys being with you and getting to know you, but wants more than you're willing to give while at the same time realizing he shouldn't get attached because he's moving away. That was a no brainer.

    Anonymous sent me a link to this article yesterday. It's about getting married to someone you're compatible with and not just someone you love.

  23. Everyone has said pretty much everything I would say. If you ever figure out the secret, Dorkys, don't forget to clue me in, cause I'm still looking for my "one true love".

  24. mj, thanks!

    chicagolady, I think it's going to be quite a while before I do. They're such complicated creatures (like women are any simpler)!

  25. I wish women would stop trying to change the guy. Hello he is that way for a reason, you can't change him any more than you can stop the sun from setting.
    Change need to come from within...He needs to want to change himself, it's not your job.

    Great post!

  26. meme, thanks so much and you're spot on! I'm like man, rather than waste my time dragging some stubborn fool to water I'll just go ahead and chill with the ones already there. He can catch up when he so chooses.


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