Thursday, July 9, 2009

Milk and Cookies

During the dinner party a few weeks ago, the girls and I discussed Steve Harvey’s Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, which has been making the rounds among the group (though personally, I'm not really interested). Days later, Latina’s hookup blogger wrote about the same thing. One part caught everyone’s interest: Harvey’s thought that a woman should always put a man on a 90-day probationary period before giving him the benefits also known as “The Cookie.”

Here’s what I think about all this: duh! This is nowhere near new. What Harvey calls "The Cookie," we’ve been calling milk for years. “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” I think it all comes down to common sense. Sleeping with a guy you just met at a bar? Probably not the best idea unless you’re craving a one-night stand with a side of herpes. Do I think sleeping with a guy “too soon” will hurt your chances for longevity relationship-wise? Not always, but personally I believe if you give up the goodies before he can say, “My name is- what?!” he’ll wonder who else has enjoyed your carefree personality.

And then I wonder, does this also apply to oral? Or is that probably necessary so the passion doesn’t dry up before the 90 days are over? It’s not like I have much experience of my own to refer to, but I’m guessing people just play it by ear. That rules aren’t written in stone and don’t necessarily follow through from one partner to the next. We learn from previous experiences as we go and become more in tune with what fits us best – or what fits that current relationship best. Mr. First and I waited an incredibly long time thanks to several factors and sometimes I wonder if anything would have changed if it had happened sooner, but I also know that it felt right for us.

Maybe 90 days is too soon for some while waiting three months – instead of three dates – is hell for others. So tell me: should it just come down to what you’re comfortable with or should you always wait before getting down to business? And because what we say is not always what we do, how long do you usually wait?



  1. I think you're right - a lot of S.H.'s advice is common sense. To most. But I've begun to learn that there is an ENTIRE GROUP of people who don't have that. LOL Some people truly don't see the logic in ideas we deem common sense. They "feel" that their way has gotten through thus far, we must be the ones who are "square".

    Now, before I try and sound like I'm a good, 90 day waiting gal, I'll stop. LOL FOR THE MOST PART, my dating days were tame. There was a period in my life where a boyfriend wasn't wanted. At all. And so I behaved occordingly. When I met Hubs, however, we essentially started our way to marriage on day one. LOL I can't lie...we were stupid. And under most circumstances, NOT waiting a certain amount of time to get to know someone isn't a good idea, but with him and was what it was. We laugh about it now, and I realize how stupid it probably was in retrospect. I'd like to think we "just knew", but I really think we're still together despite a very quick JUMPSTART because we were both too stubborn to leave. And we both took the approach that if he's gonna judge me...or I'm gonna judge him...then we need to turn and look in the mirror and realize that what I did, he did, and vice versa. People point fingers and like to use the double standard that I'm sure S.H. discusses, but it's a bunch of bull. And a real man, and a real woman, will know that.

  2. I felt a little uncomfortable commenting on this - being a guy in a largely "woman's" blog-orbit - but I got over it.

    In my ever-so-humble opinion, "[it should] just come down to what you’re comfortable with" - where both (or more if you are into that so of thing) parties understand and respect each others belief systems (religious, other) and are willing to be fully responsible for whatever resultant consequences their action(s) may have (STDs, Pregnancy, or even ruined sheets).

    It seems too often the consequences are not accepted by both parties - and I'm ashamed to say it - it seems that many guys refused to own up to the results of their actions.

    I understand it can be hard to think through these sort of things in "the heat of the moment" - especially when there is alcohol (or overactive hormones) involved which impairs good judgement - but I'm not one to care what folks do if they would only be responsible for it.

  3. tooj, I actually had half a mind to include a parenthetical after common sense: "though it's not as common as I wish it were." Some people just take my breath away with the dumb crap they do. Best thing is when they wonder why things just didn't work out YET AGAIN.

    "Gee, why didn't that guy call me back?"
    "Oh, I don't know, maybe 'cause you went all RAWR RAWR on his behind and scared him away."
    "You think? Nahh...I was just being assertive. I think I'll go assert myself with that other guy over there..."

    Yet no matter how many times others try to open their eyes, they refuse to see the light or even consider taking their blinders off.

    As far as your experiences go, at least you took responsibility for your own actions. Because at the end of the day it's your life and you're the one who'll have to live with whatever you do or don't do.

    intense guy, and I'm so glad you did. Precisely because this is a female-dominated place (in addition to being surrounded by females in real life), I love hearing the male perspective so feel free to chime away!

    In regards to owning up to your actions, I agree. At the risk of sounding cliched, "it takes two to tango." So if you're not ready to deal with stubbed toes and missteps then get off the dance floor.

    And I've heard it best to bring up any sex talks AWAY from the bedroom (or couch or shower or wherever you get your kicks) so you're not so tempted to throw the convo out the window in a fit of passion. That way you're both on the same page with the time does come.

  4. Ahh. Looks like I'm late to the party again. Maybe it's a good thing because I really do not express myself nearly as well as some of the other readers do. I hope you come away from this entry with the answers you're searching for, hun.

  5. Call me a prude, but i'm keeping the milk till he buys the whole cow, or however that expression goes.

  6. I'm teaching my daughters to hold on to their goodies. Personally, I think 90 days is just not long enough for the REAL personality to come out. You just don't know who, what, and how many people you're actually getting in that person, but to each his own!

    Check my blog a little later on. I'm creating something for you.

  7. I think it might also be safe to add that what children are doing today isn't what I KNEW or understood to be going on back in MY day. I wished I would have had a more open communication line when it came to this personal "stuff", and if I had, I probably wouldn't have made as many mistakes. With that said, it's on my radar for MY kids to have that communication, that openness to ask questions, and "all that jazz". I feel knowledge is power and it's why my 4 year old understands how his baby brother arrived here from my belly, and why the 11 year old understands what the consequences of acting on hormones (that are here or around the corner for him) ARE. He's constantly asked, "Do you want one of these?" and we point to Wee One. You can guess the answer.

  8. ".. unless you’re craving a one-night stand with a side of herpes." Hilarious!

  9. My husband and I were a "one night stand"...guess it didn't work out that way since we've been together for 9 years now. ;)

  10. Woman have needs as well as men do. Your not going to want to marry every guy you date.

    I don't think there is anything wrong with a woman sleeping with a guy that she is simply sexually attracted to.

    I am now single after a 7 year relationship and realize how important sex is, now that I am no longer having it.

    I am not a whore and have yet to sleep with someone new. Nonetheless, I am not looking to jump into another relationship right now. In the meantime, I give myself permission to sleep with the first man that I find sexually attractive, simply to meet those needs. Its taking more time than expected, LOL.

    I do think that if a woman is into a man and wants to be taken seriously, then holding back is definitely the way to go. Men like the chase. if they get the prize without working for it, they lose interest. Although, I didn't wait very long with 7 year guy.

    I think it is hilarious that Steve Harvey is giving advice on relationships and telling woman how to behave. He should write a book for men advising them about relationship protocol.

    Its just a bit insulting to me when a man is teaching a woman about how to be a lady.
    I am sure he was out and about, cheating on his wife, then girlfriend. I believe this is his 3rd, younger than the 2nd... and she finally had the courage to get rid of him. This then caused him to get his act in line. Now he is an expert on lady like behavior, LOL.

    I mean then man is in his 50s or 60s, he just simply messed around enough.

    I do understand that women need to hold their ground and be firm with men. But it would be such a relief to simply be yourself and have a man appreciate that.

    If only games were not necessary.

  11. Hey, just found your blog and I like all the interesting topics you bring up...this is a great post!


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