Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Coping with Singles

Last year while I was still single, I gave some well-researched tips on how to handle coupled friends. Now that I'm on the other side of the fence, it's only fair that I approach hanging out with the single crowd with the same journalistic authority - by pulling them right out of my...brain.

1. Practice your comebacks to the following questions: "Are you guys living together yet?" "So when are you buying that ring?" "Can I be a bridesmaid at your future wedding?" It doesn't matter if you've only been together a month, the questions will quickly start rolling in. In the beginning, it'll be awkward, but will eventually shift to cute. You'll look at each other and smile all lovey dovey, straight brewing in your honeymoon stage. After that you'll start worrying if he's freaking out and he'll secretly wonder if you're just putting your friends up to this. Fast forward a few years later and you'll be the one piping in with "Yeah! When are you buying that ring?!" every time "Single Ladies" comes on.

2. Don't assume that every invite you receive extends to your significant other. Sometimes the girls want a "no boys allowed" outing and the same holds true for the guys. Make sure it's okay before you ask him/her to come along. After all, no matter how much sex you have, you're not actually attached at the hip.

3. Avoid asking your single friends when they're going to finally settle down because, you know, "time's a-ticking and it's not like they're getting any younger." It'll only make them go on the defensive and list all the reasons why being unattached is the best thing everrr and why relationships are just another oppression that suck the life force right out of you. WARNING: Any mentions of biological clocks, spinsterhood, cat breeds, eHarmony or singles parties are legit grounds for a smack-down.

4. Some people don't feel comfortable being hooked up or set up on blind dates (shout-out to Anonymous for trying to help me 1, 2, 3 times with no luck) so avoid pushing them towards Relationshipville if they're still not ready to invest in any real estate there. Plus, studies show that 85% of daters suffer a severe drop in social life coolness after settling down* and you know full well that a part of you lives variously through their weekend debauchery.

5. But if they do want to get hooked up, then by all means pimp out your partner's single friends like a, um, pimp. You see, now that you're in a relationship, a whole new pool of available men and women are at your disposal and if you can't date them you might as well give your buddy a shot at the goods.

6. Don't be disgusting in front of your friends. I know you couldn't wait to be in this position, but remember how much it sucked to be single and exposed to over-the-top PDA? This includes, but is not limited to: blatant groping, tongue wrestling, dry humping, TMIs, hand-feeding whole servings to each other and Eskimo kisses while calling each other "snookie pookie bear." Light kisses and embraces are fine, but if you're both getting too worked up (read: obnoxious), then excuse yourselves and find a dark corner, a dirty public bathroom or just hightail it home to continue your naughtiness there. Friends don't make friends throw up their dinner.

What other tips would you add?

*Source: A gross generalization derived from personal experience.



  1. I think people like Anonymous should be thanked profusely. Nothing worse than having a bunch of friends that wouldn't hook ya up with someone they know.. its almost like them saying, "Ugh, I don't think *they* (or anyone) would LIKE you."

    Also, please don't mention just how closely you are to being "joined at the hip".


  2. I love this. I'd add trying not to look at single people like they are 'less than'. When I was single (way in to my late 30s) people would give me the head tilt.. "oh, he's out there sweetie" talk.

    I was actually really happy as a single until people pointed out to me that I shouldn't be.

  3. You've covered the major bases, that's for sure. I think another, less obvious tip is to not air out all the negativity that can come with a relationship. We all know that being single has its drawbacks and can suck at times. We also all know that being in a relationship, after the honeymoon phase, can have its drawbacks as well. Airing all the negative aspects you encounter just to still seem "cool" with the single friends just makes everyone uncomfortable. Just as uncomfy as the "everything is peaches and strawberries and hearts and roses" attitude. People want REAL. It's really good sometimes, and it really sucks sometimes. Finding an appropriate social middle behavior is in your best interest.

  4. Good tips. I don't think there's anything I would add, but am interested to hear what others would add.

  5. intense guy, oh trust me she was more than happy to do so. The girl lives to hook people up and see what happens next. You made me laugh with what they'd say 'cause in my head they made this stink face as they said that. And no worries, I wouldn't want to get all TMI up in here :p

    christine, oh being single is like having the plague for some. It's like *pat, pat* "Someday your prince will come." Or, if you're one my girls, tu papi de nylon, el matatan, el fuerte, el de los zapatitos blancos que hacen *tiki, tiki*!

    tooje, that's so true. And then once you tell others about the blip, it sometimes just becomes bigger/more important than it should be. That also strays into the whole asking/giving advice for people's relationship issues. Everyone's advice is tinged with their own experiences and no one outside of that relationship could ever know/understand the whole story.

    toriz, be sure to come back then!

  6. Definitely tinged! BUT...not only is it tinged with their own personal experiences, it's also tinged with their already formed opinions of YOU and your significant other. So while you think you would be getting "objective" opinions by soliciting friends of your relationship, you won't. They have already analyzed your relationship and have formed opinions, just WAITING to give you advice! LOL So be warned if you should ever ask an "outsider" for their opinion.

  7. Great great post. Such truths.
    My fave is the don't assume that your spouse/bf is always invited. It drives me NUTS when I can't see my friends without their partners, like they can't breathe or exist without their other person.

  8. Great post but for some reason I can't get anyone to set me up on dates to get me out of singleville. Any tips on that? Because I can't take any more online dating!

  9. Hmmm, that might be a fun topic for a future post. Thanks for the idea!


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