Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Way We "Fight"

At 11 months, it's time to say that A. and I have moved on from the rose-colored honeymoon stage and onto the "Grrr! I love you, but ugh!" phase where sometimes we just cannot see eye-to-eye. Don't get me wrong, we still constantly shower each other with affection and enjoy spending time together, but sometimes, well, it can be a bit trying. There have been moments when we've had to step back and put some effort into understanding where the other person is coming from, whereas before, we were simply flying on the downy wings of lust and love, wrapped up in the fuzzy newness of it all.

We need these trials, he's said, to make sure we have what it takes and that we're right for each other. True, but I'm not going to lie; I liked the air of perfection we seemed to live in and when you grow up in a household where arguing and fighting are associated with profound negativity and eventually divorce, you learn to avoid confrontations. Or at least you do if you're me. If we're arguing now, I'd ask him, what'll happen 10 years from now? Will it be 10 times worse?

My passive aggressiveness and his refusal to participate in it are usually the sources of frustration. I'm one of those girls who will always answer "Nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" even though it's obvious that something's very much the matter. Before, it'd take hours, sometimes even a whole day, before I'd muster the ability to put thoughts into words and verbally express how I feel. (My reaction time has since gotten much quicker.) A., on the other hand, does not play that game. He'll just continue about his business until I stop fuming in silence and if you're anything like me, you'll know that being ignored only makes. it. worse. You want your feelings to be acknowledged! You want the other person to accept that they misstepped - even if they didn't - so that you can feel justified and move on.

Yeah, not this one. We're both stubborn, but eventually one will reach out to the other through a nuzzle or a simple "hi" over instant message and break the silence. And that's all it'll take, a simple discussion to make it better, to try and understand before quickly moving on as if not much had even happened. There's never been any crazy yelling or objects flying across the room so I don't know why I'm so afraid we'll suddenly morph into my parents. We get our time to think things through and then we sit, discuss and learn. I ask myself, "Do you want to be right? Or would you rather be happy?" And so despite what happened, whose feelings were hurt or if we even end up agreeing at all, we always end it with a kiss and a sincere "I love you" because at the end of the day that's all that truly matters.

So, how do you handle disagreements with your partner?


  1. Thanks for visiting my blog:) Yes, passive aggressive... been there, done that, and suspected my husband of it as well. Men should know that when a woman says nothing is wrong, they are not supposed to just give up and assume nothing IS wrong!

    Dr. Phil once said something that really hit me hard - "do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" I want to be BOTH, but have learned to sacrifice being right now and then. Sigh.

  2. I think they all should know nothing means a big something is about to blow up! Lol! No worries my friend! Everyone is going to have disagreements, even the happiest of couples. We used to fight over the silliest things but not as much anymore. I guess after 15 you realize it isn't worth starting a fight over a cup left I'm the wrong place. Lol

  3. If you want to be both, you just have to agree with me.

  4. karen, I agree! Although I think it's a bit funny when they assume that they did something wrong whenever we're feeling "off." It sometimes has nothing to do with them at all. And yes, I recently said that being in a relationship means constantly having to put your ego in check. Sometimes you just have to throw in the towel to keep your sanity intact and realize that some things aren't worth fighting over.

    joy, 15?! Good gravy, woman. TEACH US WHAT YOU KNOW! And yeah, I learned that there's no way you could spend sooo much time with one person and not butt heads every now and then. We're two completely different people with different thoughts, concerns, inner workings, that we just have to learn what makes him/her tick and why he/she might reach a certain way or under certain circumstances.

    andrew, Nice try, buddy. That's a negativo.

  5. We're both extremely "hard headed" as he puts it. Usually when we disagree there ends up being a huge argument, then - when we both eventually calm down - we will finally actually listen to each other, talk things through, and sort things out. Often not before one of us has walked out of the house to cool down though.

    We've been married 7 and a half years now. Within a few months of us getting married the newness was over, and the arguing was there. But we both know that we love each other, and it never goes beyond shouting, swearing, and slamming doors. Also, we always sort things out in the end (and making up can be fun). So, does it really matter? I mean, there's no such thing as a relationship in which there are no arguments. Anyone who tells you they don't argue with their partner... Well, they're either lying, or one of them is very miserable and has been lying throughout their entire relationship. Because two people can't be together for an extended period of time without at least a small disagreement.

    Oh, and, by the way.. I'm one of those, "nothing," people too. My hubby took the bait at first, but now says, "OK, fine... Well, when you're ready to tell me and stop messing about, I'll listen." So I now tend to give in and say what, "nothing," means a lot quicker.

  6. After 7 years together and 3 years of that being married, I am still trying to figure out how to "fight" myself.

    Sometimes it's okay to just give a little if it leads to harmony.

  7. I'm definitely one of those girls that says "nothing" when something's wrong. What's dumb is my habit of finding guys who do the same thing!

  8. I've taken a while to get to reading this - the title made me ... a bit concerned.

    As you know, I don't have a partner and therefore have very little to offer in the way of advice.

    ...seems like keeping that communication channel open is important...

    ...and I suspect just plain yelling, (soft) kicking, and screaming is probably actually healthy as long as its just blowing off steam and venting.

    ...but have a care there... words cut deep and can never be unsaid.

    I guess I'm a failed member of the "count to 10" before saying anything club.


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