Thursday, December 31, 2015


The first third
A muddy blur
Exploded into existence
It was an error to ignore all the tremors
Psychedelic love met resistance

Forced purgatory
For emotional surgery
Paper dreams went up in smoke
A summer in vain spent fanning the flames
But he took and she took and they took

Heart burned
Lessons learned
Feeling foolish because deep down I knew
Finally believing there’s no need to stay hidden
Though others left, my circle grew

Strum down
Twirl around
What would it have cost to be kind?
Mending and grieving via drawing and weaving
Cocooning with the butterflies

Goodbye and goodbye
With head held high
What a twisted end to this game
Cold shoulders and dark hours
I was bracing for a winter that never truly came


  1. Dear Dorkys,

    I have been dropping by your blog for many years now, almost as long as you had it. I don't comment often but it is inspiring to read about your courageous adventures as well as your challenges and how you manage to pull through each one and still stay beautiful. I envy you (in a good way, of course) for your freedom to explore the world and share your amazing stories with us. You accomplished what many, including myself, can only dream about. I was there when you forever contemplated launching Porcupine Hugs and I managed to put in a good word of virtual encouragement. But you did it and what a great job! I was also "there" when you wrote about your cancer. Quite honestly, I cried and prayed that you will be healed and never have to go through that again. I believe I celebrated when you announced that you were cancer-free.

    Life does not always work out as planned, including relationships: familial and otherwise. It hurts, it can set us back. However, you must look at it as a new beginning. An opportunity to do something outlandish. If it is any comfort, 2015 sucked for me too as I am sure for many others. I was riding high after finally completing my bachelors degree in mathematics; something I attempted off and on for many, many years. The degree was barely in my hand when I was knocked down with a diagnosis of glaucoma which can lead to vision loss. I have already lost some vision in the upper corner of my right eye but for the most part I can still see and for that I am grateful. Sometimes I constantly think about what kind of life am I going to have if I go blind or what kind of life can I have now?

    I guess what I'm saying is: as hard as it might seem now, don't let shit overtake you. There is always something greater on the other side of difficulty. Fight through it and come out as beautiful, strong and graceful as you have always been~

    PS: Still blog, still pursue your dreams, travel, explore and keep Porcupine Hugs no matter what!

    Best regards,

    1. Sharla,

      Your message was so, so touching. Thank you so much for 1) reading about my journey for all these years and 2) for sharing your own story. I'm just completely blown away by the idea that you've been a part of this life of mine and I never knew. Know that you left me speechless and teary-eyed. Thank you for your words and for reminding me of why I should continue doing this at all.

      Much in the same way I tell my stories (good or bad) in the hopes of making someone else feel less alone, your message (along with others I've received via email) have also helped me realize that I'm not alone either. In my mind, these last few posts have felt so sad, dark, ugly. It's a side of me I wish I didn't have to live with let alone admit to, but that's life, right? I am not perfect and we all have our battles.

      Yes, it hurts a tremendous amount when you're so set in living this life you've imagined for yourself and then you get knocked over. And then knocked over again. And then again! I can't tell you how many times I've thought, "Okay, Universe, I think I've met my quota now. No more really bad stuff, alright?" And then in it comes again.

      Your outlook, for lack of a better word, is incredible. Did it take you long to come to this conclusion that we must keep marching on until we can go no further? Or did you ever want to throw your hands in the air and yell about how cruel these cards of ours have been? Because I still flip back and forth when I think on most of the things I've had to go through.

      It's silly really, in my case. I've been more devastated by breakups than handling cancer. Why? Because with cancer there was a clear path: surgery, radiation, constant check-ups, medication. The idea is if I go through all that, the chances of it returning are diminished (fingers crossed). But what's the cure for a broken heart? Lord knows. Time? Distractions? I didn't know what to do in this case other than just feel my way through all these days and hope that eventually it gets easier.

      And it has, obviously. It's gotten much easier. The harder days have been left back in summer and I keep looking around me and realizing that things turned out so much better than I could have ever imagined. I feel like I won that battle in various ways. I've said that I will stop wishing that the new year brings all good things and no more bad. Now I just hope that I will be able to handle and fight through whatever hardships are thrown my way. I would be happy with truly know that "this, too, shall pass" and that I will be okay.

      I hope you're following your own advice, Sharla. "Don't let shit overtake you." I love that. Please reach out whenever you need an ear or someone to chat with - I'll be here.

  2. I hope 2016 is a much, much better year!

  3. This was beautiful. It was an error to ignore all the tremors....what would it have cost to be kind....
    Several feelings within this poem resonate with me, personally. I, like Sharla, envy your ability to expose yourself. I have feared judgment for as long as I can remember and it's an enormous hurdle that paralyzes so many facets of my life. I hope to gain more strength from friends like you, reading your words and remembering your choices. I might need to copy and paste this into a note so I can read it everyday.
    Happy 2016, Dorkys. Happy new year.


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